Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question — who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?

   I miss the days when getting tested meant you were sleeping around.

   85% of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.

   Wolf meat was on sale at the exotic food store. So I bought a pack.

   TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip? FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

   Airport

   Pete Buttigieg couldn't run a go cart track, at Buster Green's Fun Park and Bait Shop.

   If you scan a tribal tattoo at a Walmart price checker, it unlocks a secret a room where homeless men fight to the death for the amusement of Toby Keith.

   Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   Anti-social behavior is a sign of intelligence in a world full of conformists.

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   Biden aides find second batch of classified documents at new location, my goodness.

   Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.

   Time is precious, waste it wisely.

   You can’t be late until you show up.