Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax on themselves alone, they could beat inflation tomorrow

   My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to "Gilligan's Island" (beginning and end)

   Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Branden

   I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

   Anyone: “You’re so interesting to talk to! Our personalities fit so well together!” Me: Thanks, I made this one especially for you.

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.

   I’m putting a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says, “what the heck is that?” And that, is where I’ll live.

   Just bought a tv stand and now I’m being targeted with tv stand ads. I only need one tv stand, I’m not a tv stand hoarder.

   Hate it when artists get on Twitter to tell us that we’re singing the lyrics wrong. If 80 thousand of us are saying the same thing, maybe YOU’RE wrong.

   Well, well, well… if it isn’t all my “we’ll deal with it in January” chickens come home to roost.

   If one person is tailgating you, they are the problem. If everyone is tailgating you, you are the problem.

   An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

   My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own stinky farts.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be a lot more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   Diet status: I spilled powdered sugar on an important document and licked it off.

   [my first day as a 911 dispatcher] *eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

   No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

   I bought my dog a cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   Did any of you get nominated for an Oscar? Me neither. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get nominated, which I think is unfair.