Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells. I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

   We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

   CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT -My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.

   Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.

   Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.

   Elon Musk didn’t buy a social media platform, he bought a crime scene and all the evidence.

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.

   At what age should you put the tonsils back in

   synchronized noseblowing

   How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

   The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

   John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

   My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just took it.

   I just yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it back to me"