Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”

   We don’t hear much about people from the Left being allowed back on Twitter. Why? Because blacklisting has been deployed as a one-way operation against the Right.

   More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

   Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

   Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

   people who do mutinies should be called mutants

   Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

   The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

   Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them