Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.

   It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.

   Twitter files released. MSM: “What files? ~ Space Man Bad”

   90’s Psychopath = 2020’s Gender fluid mainstream progressive.

   Just watched a documentary on the history of Laxatives.. I'll admit, it was very moving.

   If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

   I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

   Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

   The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

   I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

   told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

   sed my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

   Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   Teacher: “Today we will be talking about depressed people who share jokes all day as a coping mechanism.”

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.