Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   When your friend is getting beat up by banditos, but you remember his welcome refugees post.

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   The Left released Trump’s tax returns, and nobody cares.

   Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

   I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

   The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

   For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

   I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

   My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

   Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

   30 years later and millions of Cabbage Patch Kids still have no clue they were adopted.

   Hey Lay's Potato Chips, you forgot to list "air" under the ingredients... thanks for nothing!

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”