Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

   You could have done so much better than him.” Me: Mom, hello I'm right here..

   Grandkids just watched Cujo for the first time. Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later?

   Now I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   My supervisor said I'm worth my weight in gold so I'm eating these donuts to increase my value.

   Cop jokes AREN'T FUNNY. So give it arrest..

   I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag..

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   You take the blue pill, the election ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you dispute the fraud and I show you how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

   If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

   My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till I turn 90 to get my first one