Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

   Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

   My church serves noodles at Communion. we're Ramen Catholics

   My plants got a fungus from that STD florist

   94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

   It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Joe B is an example.

   Rapey McForehead gave Trump one vote for Speaker of the House. Trump called the clerk and said, "I just need you to find me 217 more votes."

   Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   God Bless Rednecks! Merica!

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.

   If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

   My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite. Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks. And now the cops are here…..