Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Answering your cell phone when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitch-hiker.

   Beaver's mother was Barbara Billingsley, you dum@$$!

   Do I love my co workers ? No But are they really good at their job and make my life easier ? Also no

   "Don't know what to tell you. He was just a quiet guy who kept to himself." -What my neighbors are say about me when it all goes wrong.

   I'm seeking scientific study assistants and participants to publish a study called "The Perfect Orgasm" - Pay is $20 per session

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.

   If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol

   Question, Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage? Why not both.

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   Went for a check-up this morning, everything was normal, except the doctor began to put his glove on and add lube....... I need to get a new dentist.

   Bills are like hominy; better when you don't have any on your plate.

   Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.