Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm skipping the house-building stage, saving time and effort. I'm just gonna eat all the gingerbread and frosting first. Yum!

   Does anyone know when walmart is sending out the W2's, I've been doing "self checkout" all year Long!!!!!

   I agree with my orange messiah. Terminate the constitution!

   If your main concern is what pronouns people call you, then you are one of the most privileged people in the world.

   Have they released any official figures yet on how many lives were saved by taping arrows on the floors of supermarket aisles?

   Where do I sign to get micro-chipped and controlled by the government, I'm tired of making my own decisions

   High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi.

   Don't laugh at adults that still believe in Santa Clause, we have adults that still believe in Joe's build back better.

   Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can't stop stripping.

   Dense fog advisory. Couldn't you just say its moisture content doesn't go all the way to the top stratosphere? Calling it dense seems pretty insensitive.

   Guys, your wife works hard all day. Is it too much to ask for you to get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and plug it in so that it will be ready when she gets home?

   Dear Santa: For Christmas this year I want a fat bank account and a slim body with sexy abs, but let's not get it mixed up like you did last year.

   I'm a Trust Fund baby. My parents trusted me to go fund myself.

   If someone throws you to the wolves, come back leading the pack.

   Terraria has awoken

   Cops have new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy Pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?

   Question, Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

   I got an email today from a bored local housewife who said she was looking for some "hot action." So I sent her the ironing

   I sure hope you like your Christmas gift... It's a year's supply of me!

   You know Its bad when you give them a custom ringtone LOL