Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you bought a fruitcake this past weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas play

   Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

   I accidentally took my dogs meds this morning...TELL ME I'M A GOOD BOY ... I'M A GOOD BOY RIGHT ? WANNA SCRATCH MY BUTT ? CAN I SMELL YOURS ?

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up again and ruin Christmas again this year.

   I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   They need to stop remaking A Christmas Carol. The Muppets did it the best. Everyone else needs to sit down and move on

   Need Help with this one!! If I bought a balloon 5 years ago for $1, how much could I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

   I just returned from a Christmas concert put on by the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra, Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared.

   Tomorrow is December 1st.... The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning now till Christmas Eve!

   In my house I'm the main boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers

   OK... A GUY WHO ACTS LIKE HE'S SLASH ON STAGE BUT HE'S NOT VERY GOOD SO I CALLED HIM BACK SLASH ... AND I'M AN A$$HOLE ..

   How did we miss the opportunity to call "bleaching your butthole" "changing your ring tone"?

   Spilling is the equivalent

   Joke telling advice: If you tell a joke and nobody laughs, you're not going to improve the situation by yelling, "Ha! Ha! Ya get it?!!"

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   Santa, you must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during deer season?

   Can’t believe we don’t have world peace after changing the name on pancake boxes and syrup bottles

   I am the reason Santa has a naughty list.