SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   Your magnetic bracelet is causing me to have negative thoughts about you.

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   Kelly Ripa and KrIsten Chenoweth are made from 100% recycled Dolly Parton scraps.

   Oh, I see. Now I'm supposed to recruit a bunch of people to move gigantic limestone blocks. This is starting to sound like a pyramid scheme.

   If G0d is all-seeing, why doesn't He ever say, "Hey humans, you look nice today." Is an occasional compliment too much to ask?

   It's funny how so many expectant moms don't like it when I use the term "invading organism."

   This morning at breakfast, I think I got some cheap Russian Alphabits - half of the R's were backwards!

   I'm hungry, but there's a repair guy here and I don't feel comfortable eating. Suffering is funny until it happens to you.

   In a show of support and encouragement, Brett Favre just texted Peyton Manning a picture of his pen!s.

   Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.

   A big part of my self-improvement plan is finding more opportunities to use the word "taters."

   I'm surprised we don't see more octopus baristas.

   Little-known fact: that Quaker guy on the oatmeal box is naked from the waist down.

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   I started a support group for introverts but nobody came.

   Uh, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little faster or buy a belt. Thanks, homie.

   This girl I'm going out with tonight must be rich because she has one of those expensive cars that she can start just by blowing into a tube.

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder to make an infant?