Baddie Funny Status Messages

   A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

   I am sorry for what I said when I was....... Drunk, naked and horny while laying on your front lawn.

   Sex so good you get her name right.

   Side boob is only hot on women, bro.

   Reverse cowgirl, so you don't have to see her disappointment.

   Fact: People that don't like pizza are on a most wanted list somewhere.

   No job is too big for me to ignore.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it Cinnamon.

   Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?

   If you drink enough alcohol, stairs become an extreme sport.

   Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.

   I learned how to kiss from watching my dog drink from the garden hose.

   Pretty sure I'll pet an owl before I have sex again.

   I like my family gatherings like I like my steak. Rare

   It sad how some losers are giving us a minute-by-minute update on Kanye & Kim wedding. If you were that important to them I am sure they would have sent you an invite.

   My wife thinks I've been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

   Do you think anyone would be offended if I added them to my "Masturbated To" list? Asking for a friend.

   Canadian Whiskey is just like regular whiskey except it apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   Axe just released 3 new scented body sprays. 1 New skateboard 2 Halo 3 3 Mom I'm hungry

   Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.