Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

   I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

   sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.... It's not the best medicine in the world, but hey they’re right up there.

   Tom Brady has over 600 touchdown passes in his career. Which works out to 420, when you adjust for inflation.

   When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

   When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry. Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

   There are two types of people in this world, those who finish a joke and those that

   I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can just feel it.

   My wife asked me for the Chapstick. I accidently handed her a Gluestick. Now she's not speaking to me.

   I played baseball with a bunch of orphans yesterday. I won, because none of them knew where home was.

   Forgive and forget? What? Do I look like Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   Bedtime Tip: Ring the doorbell on your way to bed at night...this will clear the dogs off your bed long enough for you to get in and get comfortable...

   My mama told me I could become anything I wanted. So I became a problem.

   Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them also to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping.

   I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.

   Give your tweets a CB radio feel by adding the word, over at the end. Over.

   My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money.

   If she farts in front of your parents repeatedly just for the reaction then she's a keeper.

   Some of your behaviour is completely embarrassing but highly entertaining. Carry on.