Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

   Vaccinated or not, Please during these late summer days, wear deodorant. (and stay out of the left lane)

   My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

   Self-Checkout should include an employee discount.

   ne dis jamais je t'aime

   You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

   Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

   If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.

   Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

   The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

   Women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja.

   Opportunity does not knock; it presents itself when you beat down the door.

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

   I look better in person.

   Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

   my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin I was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

   Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

   The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

   Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

   The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day. choose wisely.