Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

   My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

   A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

   When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

   Accomplishing the impossible means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   One sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

   A lot of people don’t struggle with depression, they struggle with the reality we live in.

   The biggest mistake you make with us truth-seekers, is you think we want to be right. Trust me, we wish we were wrong.

   The CDC recommends wearing your mask on your butt to protect against Monkeypox.

   Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.

   Welcome to middle age, berry flavored tums are dessert now.

   Red flag laws sound great until you realize you’re labeled crazy for thinking 5-year-olds shouldn’t attend drag shows.

   Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

   A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

   If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

   One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

   *secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

   From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

   I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

   20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head 30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle 40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib