Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

   Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

   To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

   By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

   If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

   Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

   A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

   I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.

   Dear, what-ever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now, thanks.

   Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

   Values of the woke: Victimizing yourself is powerful, bravery is dangerous, self-responsibility is someone else’s responsibility, reality isn’t real.

   He died doing what he loved, sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

   Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

   You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

   There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

   Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

   “I just called to say I love you.” -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

   Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

   Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.