Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

   Me wearing Nike shorts is kind of like a minivan with racing stripes.

   If it can’t be fixed with duct tape…then you aren’t using enough duct tape.

   I think my wife is hallucinating..... She keeps telling me she's seeing other people

   Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.

   If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

   The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

   Life begins at 40, so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

   A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

   It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance.

   Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

   Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

   Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.

   Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?” Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

   I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

   to the lady with all the hot selfies who claims she could steal my husband if she wanted... I will have him ready for you at 2

   Does the term don't drop the soap in jail apply to women prisons?

   Bacon and eggs along with Toast all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

   Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’