Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hi. I'm God. I created an adversary named Satan. A big drama where I win anyway. Kinda like having the cheat codes to Mario 3.

   Dear Narcissist, I wish I could find a way to love you as much as you love you.

   Why don't people who drive under the speed limit get ticketed like people who drive over the limit? It says "limit"

   Guy: I have Covid. Girl: Oh, you mean a mild cold? Guy: What, I can't milk this? Girl: Um... no.

   The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

   When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

   You’re only as good as your last haircut.

   We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

   It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

   Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

   Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you.

   If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

   Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

   Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

   Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

   If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

   Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

   i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am I gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

   Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

   By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.