Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

   Hi, I joined a cult. *got an air fryer

   i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

   I fully support the IDGAF+ community.

   RIP: Olivia Fig Newton

   Yesterday I threw a ball for my dog. I know, it was probably a little extravagant but it was his birthday and he looked so nice in his new dinner jacket.

   Kid: Do you like corn on the cob? Me: I like it in my mouth! Ha ha.

   One more week left to drive recklessly in school zones

   Welcome to middle age. Only one nostril works

   I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

   Billion Dollar Idea: Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

   Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

   Personally I am happily married, unfortunately my wife is not

   Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

   When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

   I'd rather see someone kneel for the flag, than deal with cIowns who are offended by jokes.

   Oh, the hubris! Confusion now has made his masterpiece!

   Took the Plan-B with a RedBull. Make sure this baby get its wings.

   My #1 home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   Bucket List #83: I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.