Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The number of people who confuse ”to” and ”too” is amazing two me.

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow down

   There are two different kinds of screaming...If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in

   my neighbor says that his son called him and said he thought his roommate was gay.... he asked his son why he thought that... son says, well dad everytime I kiss him, he giggles

   neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

   Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

   The border, inflation, and energy crisis are intentional.

   At 51, I've realized that if I don't get enough sleep, I'm an asshole during the day. If I get too much sleep, I'm still an asshole, but happy!

   Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   A woman is like a tea bag; you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

   All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

   Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.

   They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

   The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

   Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

   The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

   First it was AlDS that affected mostly fagz, now Monkeypox is doing the same at 96%. Hello? Degenerates? Got the memo?

   Did some cleaning early this morning...went out and ran the vacuum over the driveway just to ensure my neighbors never talk to me....