Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

   Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

   It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

   do you think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

   The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

   Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

   If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.

   Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

   Love conquers all things, except poverty and a toothache.

   A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

   The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

   I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

   I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

   I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

   When I was young, I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

   Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

   Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks

   It’s President Obama’s birthday. I can’t believe it’s been 61 years since his mother forged his birth certificate.

   Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.