Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

   I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

   A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

   He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything, that clearly points to a career in public office.

   Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

   I had plastic surgery last week, I cut up my credit cards.

   I'm writing a book on Reverse Psychology. Please don't buy it.

   I turned off spell check because I was tired of all my jokes getting urined.

   If you beat up homeless people they can go to the hospital where they will have a warm bed and good food.

   OK. Whose bright idea was it to call it "Boob Sweat" and not "Humidtitties"?

   True or False: The people who are the most delusional about how great they think their state is are from New Jersey.

   I think humans are smarter than fish. If you were walking down the street and there was a Bic Mac hanging on a hook would you just start eating it?

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

   The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

   As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

   I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

   When Jill whispers in Joes ear she hears an echo.