Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

   I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

   I'd rather be rich than stupid.

   If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So, sue me."

   I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every Culture; is the story of Popeye.

   If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall; I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

   Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says "Is this whiskey?" Elmer says "Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"

   Yesterday, Mike heated up his leftover fish in the break room. Today, Mike is missing. Don't be like Mike.

   Will one of you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

   New research shows that the average adult forgets three things each day. The most common are Internet passwords, charging cell phones, and . . . something else, I forget.

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Four of my neighbors have disappeared.

   My wife wants the living room walls to be something neutral...I'm painting Switzerland

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think I'll call my bank and find out..🙂

   actually don’t have any problems, I only go therapy to brag

   Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windshield

   I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

   If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

   As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

   I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.