Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s been “one of those days,” for like 3 years now.

   Life is not like a box of chocolates. It’s more like mixed vegetables with freezer burn.

   I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

   I wonder if black ants and red ants have a beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

   Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

   I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

   HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

   party idea: “DUI or IUD?” you can only invite people who have one or both and you CAN’T divulge which

   Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

   Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

   I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

   Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

   Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of, it will be misspelled and without punctuation.

   That’s supposed to be a high five emoji, not praying hands. People out here dying and you’re high fiving.

   Dear plexiglass, thank you for protecting me from the cashier who just touched everything I’m taking home.

   Finally got 8 hours of sleep, it only took 3 days or whatever.

   The older I get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

   Dumped a pack of M&M’s in my mask and I’m slowly eating them like a horse.

   When I find myself in times of trouble, Julie Andrews comes to me, singing words of wisdom, do re mi.