Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee goes down like a chubby kid on a seesaw.

   One day You Tube, Twitter and Facebook will be joined together and be called, You-twit-face.

   Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?, I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

   Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

   Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

   I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

   A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

   2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic Unbooblievable

   A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

   I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

   Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

   Maybe if we all email the Constitution to each other the damn Government will read it.

   The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

   Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.

   Don’t judge me because I’m quiet, no one plans a murder out loud.

   What if slugs are just snails that have gone through a divorce. “Yep, she got the house.”

   The symbol & looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor.

   What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done? Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

   Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, “skip intro,” when they start talking to you.

   I have one nerve left, and you’re dry humping it.