Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tweaked my neck sleeping and threw my back out sneezing. I’m probably one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

   When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it.

   Sometimes I think I’m too picky, then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

   Pets are weird. It’s just this thing that lives in your house and you can’t speak to each other, but you are best friends.

   Back in my day, there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees of their enemies.

   Egyptian babies didn’t know that one day their daddy would be a mummy. Neither did the Kardashians.

   Do you think that sand is called sand because it’s between the sea and the land?

   Why couldn't Eve have just made Adam a sandwich like other women?

   Black Olives Matter... Just love them right out of the can and on salads.

   It's so hot around the barn that the barnyard pimp won't even come out and check on his little chicks.

   It's so hot, the late Jack Kevorkian's suicide machine was turned into a Slurpee machine...

   McDonald's is making a deep fried pickle covered in a batter...they are going to call it the Mc Dill Dough.

   People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

   Knowledge is like underwear; it is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

   Friends are God’s way of apologizing for our families.

   I’m tired of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

   Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that e-mail to ten people.

   I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

   Choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will always find an easy way to do it.

   When people ask, “Do you have a bathroom?” No, we pee in the yard.