Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think you’ve got it rough? Imagine being a trapeze artist with diarrhea.

   It’s called “gross pay” because it’s disgusting to see how much money you would have made before taxes.

   Welsh woman used to curse people by falling to their knees, pulling out their boobs, and screaming obscenities at their victim. It’s sad how we let some traditions die.

   Don’t be sad that your flight has a 7 hour delay, be grateful for your 30 dollar 2 inch sub sandwich.

   The guy ahead of me bought 20 dollars worth on pump 3. Where was he going, to pump 4?

   Sometimes I make posts set to “only me.” That stuff is between me and the Feds.

   When you put 30 dollars in the tank and the gas light is still on.

   I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

   Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

   No matter how old I am, when I am eating a bag of Bugles, I will never be mature enough to not put them on my fingertips and make claws.

   It was so hot in our apartment last night, to cool off I slept on my air hockey table."

   Why is it that in womens feminine product commercials they're always laughing and dancing? Shouldn't they be reving chainsaws & burning sh** down?

   Its so hot, I just saw a bum with a sign that said "Will work for shade

   Its so damn hot today that I just saw a group of Amish women wearing daisy duke shorts!

   When I'm on my death bed I want my last words to be .... " I left one million dollars in the"................

   came home the other night, my wife was standing there in the bedroom. She walked over & said "Take off my shirt" I did. She said "take off my bra" I did. Then she leaned over & said in my ear "Please stop wearing my clothes

   Updating my dating profile…. My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

   Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?

   Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.

   Nightmares are just free horror movies that you produce, direct, and star in.