Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and my dog enjoys it too.

   Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, Please do not go in that bathroom.

   Opening a gym that teaches power walking and door knocking. Gonna call it Jehova’s Fitness.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   Always be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.

   Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

   What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

   What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

   What do you call a guy that never farts in public? A private tutor.

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   Friendship is being there when someone is feeling low and not being afraid to kick them.

   You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.

   Just because you have a beard doesn’t mean you’re a man, vaginas can grow hair too.

   I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

   What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

   Chaz Bono should be a weatherman. He is after all partly sonny. sorry I had to Cher.

   I was fighting with my wife when she said..."Your family isn't even human! They're more like a venereal disease!" I told her, "You better not say that to my sis, Phyllis!!

   I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

   I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my very old prom dress.

   People say that laughter is the best medicine…your face must be curing the world