Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i can promise you I will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

   What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the stinking sewer

   I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

   Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

   Should’ve seen me at work today. Somewhere an OSHA Manual burst into flames.

   Gotta have a little sadness occasionally so you know when the good times come. Waiting on the good times now.

   No, I’m being nice. I’ll be happy to show you the difference.

   Hey, how long has it been? Not long enough.

   When battle music plays during the game, but you can’t find the enemy.

   Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glovebox. Easy there Indiana Jones, I’ll just Google it.

   What if we used to be able to make wishes, but then someone wished that we couldn’t.

   I got mood poisoning, must have been something I hate.

   Dear Microsoft Word, I’m pretty sure I spelled my name correctly.

   Earthquakes, Tornadoes, Floods, Hurricanes, Tsunamis etc are considered Acts of God. What a nice guy!

   If it was the other way around, I highly doubt one cat would take in 20 old ladies.

   I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my old prom dress.

   People say that laughter is the best medicine…your face must be curing the world!

   I'm cleaning house and thinking that I need a car that runs on dog hair.

   I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there's now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. He's been divorced 3 times..Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his damn rod.