Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

   Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

   Godzilla was the first house flipper.

   I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

   I wish I could steal corny one liners and click "Iike" on my own posts as an act of hollow accomplishment.

   It's official...my childhood punishments are now my adult goals! Going to bed early, forced to stay inside, naps, and eating healthy!

   Man rule: Plastic water bottles must be crushed prior to disposing.

   Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.

   There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

   Don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it REALLY works.

   I would call you an idiot, but that would be insulting to idiots.

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.

   I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.

   If I throw a bouncy ball, will you run away?

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. But here were no police officers involved.

   My smart washer was compromised the S. Union so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

   To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?

   Ancient proverbs say "Nobody sleeps when the cat's bowl is empty".

   If you ever think money isn't everything....try living without it..