Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. Then he met a man who had no legs. Then he met a man who had no brain. And that ended right there with Joe Biden.

   Can Chloroform really knock someone out instantly like in the movies? Asking for a friend.

   The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.

   The self checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   Chickens: The only animals you eat before they're born AND after they're dead.

   There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.

   In a thousand or so years, archaeologists are going to dig up tanning beds and think we cooked people as punishment.

   Grown men who call their parents mommy and daddy can kill you with their bare hands and won’t even say a cuss word while they’re doing it.

   If you get bit by a shark, bite it back. You’re probably still gonna die, but the shark will be like, lol wtf?

   You know what horror game enemies need? Big boobs. I mean a real set of badonkers, that would be frightening.

   The British are coming, put up your gun free zone signs and run to the safe spaces.

   Tu Youyou ~ The first woman to win a Nobel Prize for medicine. Also known for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

   From now on, I’m telling prospective employers that I was the General Manager at Toy’s-R-Us. Who tf they gonna call?

   My last relationship ended cause he wanted a long distance relationship, well he told me to go to hell

   Anyone that tells you money can’t buy happiness, doesn’t know where to shop.

   Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

   The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

   I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

   I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

   Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.