Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   laying beside a dead deer in a santa suit

   a totally down-to-earth chick because, you know...gravity.

   can't wait until Weight Watchers releases its own line of booze

   thinks there's no substitute for research quite like making sh*t up.

   thinks that nutritional information should simply tell you the amount of exercise required to burn off whatever it is you're about to consume.

   Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil...and you'll never land a job working for a women's magazine.

   The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.

   thinks that a perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children

   My boss didn't know I drank, until one day I came to work sober.

   approached a woman at a bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security!".

   ran over an old guy's guide dog today. Lucky for me there were no witnesses.

   Police discovered the body of a local cartoonist this morning. Details are a bit sketchy.

   used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

   If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.... thats why I don't talk to you =P

   went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but couldn't find any

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away...if you throw it precisely.

   Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant

   If you can't beat them, then you didn't swing hard enough the first time.

   officially erasing all BOYS from her contacts!