Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   I’m kind of glad dinosaurs are extinct. Pretty sure I’d try to keep one as a pet.

   When she’s using her man’s phone to check the weather and wind blows her into his inbox.

   Listening to your friend talk about how she’s working it out with her boyfriend after you already blocked him, keyed his car and took his cat to the pound.

   When you give tourists wrong directions as a prank and then see them a week later on television gone missing.

   When someone gets loud with you and you’re considering unleashing every single one of your inner demons.

   Remember kids, don't play with fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all day set them off. Happy 4th of July!

   If it involves fireworks, BBQ, and freedom, count me in. Have a Yankee Doodle day.

   My favorite color is freedom, so light up the sky like it’s the 4th of July.

   Home of the free because of the brave, since 1776.

   Kids today are soft, I died once when I was five and my mom made me walk it off.

   Don’t forget to feed your girlfriend every couple of hours or it gets cranky.

   Innocent child dies horrifically. Oompa Loompas: Time for a song and dance.

   You don’t need drugs to get high when you’ve got a 42-foot articulated bucket truck.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a new bra size.

   Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

   Are you suffering from a lack of vitamin me?

   I follow the call of the disco ball.

   That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s, but you still can’t do it.

   When you’re about as useless as the “g” in lasagna.