Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When hanging toilet paper, remember beards are cool, mullets are bad.

   The first symptom of Covid-19 is believing everything the media says.

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   Fun Fact: The majority of archeologist are women, due to their natural ability to dig up the past.

   A man is buying an apple a banana and two eggs. The cashier says, “you must be single.” The man says, “wow, that’s right, how did you know?” The cashier says, “because you’re ugly.”

   If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

   In honor of Canada Day, I drank some Tim Horton's coffee this morning. But we still don't like your geese.

   It's not a real relationship, until you've apologized to a locked bathroom door.

   Let us march immediately, and never lay down our arms until we obtain our independence. ~ Nathan Hale

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.....When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up!

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up. works everytime.

   Closest I’ve come to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

   My wife gives the best head-ache.

   Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

   I like my coffee so strong it shows up on a drug test.

   The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.

   Spanish word of the day: Beach. Joe Biden is China’s little beach.

   Tonight’s Powerball Jackpot is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.