Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured that I’ve thought about it, and I feel confident in my decision.

   My girlfriend and I just had an entire conversation about hair bands before she realized I was talking about Motley Crue and she was talking about scrunchies.

   Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.(too soon)?

   When someone is driving like a jerk, so you look to see how dumb they really look.

   I love when people ask, “How’s a person like you single?” I’m mentally ill.

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   Your very existence goes against our community standards. ~ Zuck

   Son: Mom, what does “woke” mean? Mom: It’s a parents shocking realization that her kids are being taught extremist bull-crap.

   Explaining bedtime to the kids: “It’s not about how tired you are, it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.

   Your spouse is the best person to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they’re not even listening.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? (flashback to me chasing a racoon after she told me to leave it alone) Me: I’m having an affair.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   Take your red flags and turn them into coats, traitors.

   S.H.I.T......So Happy It's Thursday!...Some of you just got to get that mind out of the gutter...

   There is no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize sharing a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   I just want someone to laugh at my jokes the way that Kamala laughs at questions she can’t answer.