Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.

   The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.

   I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.

   Dad: Congrats! Son: Thanks, pop. I'm sure you're proud of your new grandson. Dad: I meant congrats on you finally getting Iaid.

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   Good morning, I saw your Biden yard sign, so I know you’ll buy whatever kind of crap I’m selling.

   When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   You wanna listen to some Pop Country, or would you rather go to China and lick some doorknobs?

   Why are deliveries on a ship called cargo, but in a car, it’s called a shipment?

   How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.

   Turned 40 today, and I can feel my idgaf powers growing and coursing through my veins.

   I hate when woman have stupid excuses, I’m tired, I have a headache, I’m on my period, I’m your cousin.

   Wish there was such a thing as a biscuits and gravy truck, and it played bluegrass music over the loudspeaker when it drove through neighborhoods.

   The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.

   And a step backward, after making a wrong turn, is a step in the right direction

   It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one's acts. Mahatma Gandhi