Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   Laying in bed at 3am and thinking that you should’ve said something different in that argument that you had in 2011.

   Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

   My new dentist moonlights as a proctologist. He gives out toothbrushes called Anal-B.

   Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come on Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.

   The best weight you’ll ever lose is the weight of other people’s opinions.

   I just failed a captcha test 3 times in a row. I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out that I’m a robot.

   You’d be surprised how quickly employees will assist you after you try to start a chainsaw.

   I’m not challenging your authority; I’m denying it completely.

   When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.

   Just because they pull up next to you doesn’t mean they want to race. But better safe than be a loser.

   like a squirrel, tired from busting nuts all day.

   U don git da bug if you already da illest, knowahimsayin

   Truth is like surgery; it hurts but it heals. A lie is like a painkiller; it gives instant relief but has terrible side effects.

   Can't think of a better way to end pride month

   Ole Nancy and the other baby murderers are crying awful hard today...

   At this point, conspiracy theories might as well be called spoiler alerts.

   When they can no longer control you, they will try to control what others think of you.

   A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.

   To the people who react to my posts daily, may your life be full of puppy kisses and kitten snuggles.