Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I sprayed WD-40 in your mouth, but it did stop that noise you were making.

   When I’m behind a slow car, I steer my car a little to the right so people behind me can see that it’s not my fault.

   Doctor: I have your test results. Patient: Did I pass? Doctor: You will soon.

   No matter how hard you work, your boss will always arrive while you are taking a break.

   I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own, and if I get up now, I’m afraid I’ll lose their trust.

   Welcome to McBrandon’s…. Would you like some lies with that?

   Separating your laundry by color is a myth created by big detergent to sell more laundry sauce.

   Sir, we don’t sell guns here. Can I interest you in one of our various cordless hole punchers?

   Librarian: Sorry for the inconvenience, Sir. We’re in the process of moving our entire Conspiracy Theory Collection into our Non-Fiction Section.

   There s another Covid strain brewing, it’s called the election strain. Make sure you chose the red candidates this November in order to stop this strain.

   If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.

   I’m old enough to remember when paper bags were blamed for the destruction of trees and plastic bags were the solution.

   People aren’t really mad when you say, “Let’s Go Brandon.” They’re mad because you’re having fun when they spent four years being angry and joyless.

   Everyone agrees, when you censor the ones who don’t.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   Running a country is like riding a bike. ~ Joe Biden

   there anything I can destroy or eat in here? No? Well, you’re lucky to have me. ~ The Cat

   The death toll rises: A man dies of a heart attack a year and a half after eating a corndog at the Jan. 6th riots.