Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: Showing up every day with fresh excerpts from exotic lands to entertain the masses.

   You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.

   Her: I was just swiping on Tinder. Can anyone tell me why I saw my boyfriend? Her: Stop asking what I was doing on Tinder, that’s not the point!

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   Anything that cost you your peace is too expensive.

   People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   I panic at a lot of other places besides the disco.

   June was once Dairy Month, it's now Fairy Month.

   Do you think songbirds get annoyed with hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

   For those wondering if walls work, they do, I went to china, didnt see one Mexican

   So, the legend goes… that the “M” from MTV, used to stand for music.

   “Just be yourself, say something nice.” Me: Which one? I can’t do both.

   These last few years have felt like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.

   Just because you’re driving 5 miles an hour over the speed limit does not mean that you can drive in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real.

   A licking machine built a Purdue University takes on average 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Random Mom: Where does one buy said machine? Asking for a friend.

   Trying to add up the media’s stories for today and it came to 5317. Now, flip your calculator upside-down and read it.

   Did You Know: The internet was once a fun place for watching car crash videos instead of monitoring humanity’s real-time collapse.

   If an adult has ever said “you’d make a great lawyer,” what they really meant was, that they think that you’re an “a” double dollar sign.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   When people talk about traveling to the past, they worry about radically changing the present by doing something small, but no one in the present thinks that they can change the future by doing something small.