Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, post your man, lets see who has the same one.

   How can you face your problem, if your problem is your face?

   I can’t work today, there’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation. Boss: You can’t skip work just because the sun is out.

   As a child seeing a scary movie and being afraid of the dark. As an adult seeing my electric bill and being afraid of the light.

   “Hope we didn’t need that.” Me, vacuuming.

   2022 pickup lines be like: Hey baby, wanna see my bunker and check out my canned food collection?

   Million dollar idea. Pizza toppings on the bottom, will call them Bottomings!

   Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?

   Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.

   Her: So, I slept with 3 guys before I met you. Him: Omg Karen, I was only 20 minutes late.

   Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road. Me: Sorry, I’m English. Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

   Do one thing every day that scares you. Text someone first. Ask your crush to hang out. Pick a fight with a raccoon. The only one stopping you is yourself.

   Apocalypse Scenario #253: Everyone just sort of gives up one day.

   When you unplug all the noisy beeping machines at the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

   When someone asks for directions: You basically go straight that way for a while until you f*ck all the way off.

   A patient cured is a customer lost.

   I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

   The moment your gut says no, it’s a no. You can analyze the details later.

   2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.

   Sign at 7 eleven, gas is 7.11, “the prophecy has been fulfilled.”