Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.

   Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.

   Johnny Depp gets 15 million dollars for being with a nut job. And all these years I've been doing it for free!

   Mansplaining is a correctile dysfunction.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood..

   I just saw a guy with a "Support Dyslexia" bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   The best password cracking software is a pissed off ex.

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life..

   Accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy.

   Inflation is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.

   Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

   If you hate yourself, remember you’re not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.

   Before I get into shape, does anyone like me chubby?

   BREAKING: “Man” in critical condition after hearing a slightly different viewpoint.

   If you’re feeling bad about how little you have achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.