Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: You remind me of the sea. Him: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting? Her: No, because you make me sick.

   When you’re on your 8th “dam, that’s crazy,” and they’re still telling you their story.

   When you click “accept cookies,” but then you don’t get any cookies.

   The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.

   Joe: Everyone wants to half sax with me. Staff: That’s not what FJB means.

   I just accidentally sat on my phone and it said it recognized my face and unlocked.

   Good thing I don't work at a pizzeria. I'd be walkin' around wit' garlic knots in my pocket.

   Remember, you can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of, "bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

   Somebody let vegans know that their lifestyle is a lie. They consume countless insect fragments with everything they eat.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   Dating is a great way remind yourself that dying alone isn’t that bad.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   You only live once, so make sure you spend 16 hours a day on the internet desperately seeking validation from complete strangers.

   If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.