Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.

   Was told that I am the cheapest man in the world, well I'm not buying it

   If the "Why does the lgbt get a month, but veterans get a day" people actually cared for the military theyd know the military gets multiple days and months, also they would mention "why does the military get one day"? during any other month

   I was an atheist until I realized I was a sex god!!!!!!!!!!!

   Top questions you should ask seller of car. How much do you want for? How much gas is in it?🤪

   Mary had a bearded clam-Her pubes were white as snow-And everywhere that Mary went-She'd give the boys a show.

   I sent my Family Tree into ancestry.com. They sent me back a package of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   Its not that I hate kids, i'm just following the instructions of every medicine bottle in my bathroom cabinet "Keep away from children"

   Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.

   The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   When she kisses you goodnight, but only on the forehead. “You forgot the pickle.”

   Just deleted everyone that I wouldn’t fist fight in a KFC parking lot. So, if you’re reading this, don’t let me catch you in a KFC parking lot.

   If you see me in the garage practicing my nunchaku, just keep driving. I don’t want you getting pregnant.

   War is when they tell you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

   Believe in yourself, especially when no one else will. ~ Sasquatch

   it technicallly underwear if its all you are wearing?

   If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.

   I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.