Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.

   Cain killed Abel with a rock, God blamed Cain, not the rock.

   I’m old school, I still believe in respect.

   If liar’s pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more interesting.

   Careful creampuff, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   Studies show that cats understand human commands, but don’t care to follow them.

   Of course God knows about the bad things that happen. But, unlike lefticles, he has to be invited to intervene in your life.

   Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s a fight, a test.

   Was up all night again trying to figure out how I would describe Yahtzee to a deaf person without using the jerk-off motion.

   I went to a job interview the other day , Lady said She had 3 openings, I said I know .. still waiting for the call.

   Native Indians: “Turn in your firearms, they will protect you.”

   Teacher: “And, that concludes our lesson on the Bill of Rights, any questions?” Student: So, like, none of that counts if I’m scared, right?

   “We just want to be treated like normal people,” says the Drag Queen twerking in front of a bunch of toddlers.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

   “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

   Things are so bad, our leaders have admitted that UFOs exist and no one cares.