Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   Some girls will claim “he’s my world,” but that’s your fourth “world” this month. Are you building a solar system?

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   When you pull up a power point presentation to show your cat how fat it is.

   Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.

   Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.

   My wife was sad, so I showed her my boobs. Apparently, that doesn’t work both ways.

   Martian: “Take us to your leader.” Me: No! You wouldn’t believe it.

   The word is “butter,” go spread the word.

   If you ever need someone to look like a complete idiot in your photographs, I'm your guy.

   I like to put Aunt Jemima next to the Uncle Ben in my pantry. I'm hoping for a love connection.

   I have an open marriage in the sense that I'm allowed to open my mouth as long as I don't say anything stupid

   Trying to intentionally lose a game of Rock Paper Scissors is just as difficult as trying to win.

   A hundred years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses.

   You can't sell electric cars if gas is cheap. If you don't think that's part of the plan, you're not paying attention.

   Filled my car up with gas and tried to pay with my flexible spending card. The attendant said it can only be used for medical issues. I said the price of gas makes me sick. Apparently that doesn't qualify

   Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space. OK, bad joke. Only three stars.

   LGBTQ=Lets Get Biden To Quit !

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   How many of you are 12 years old and playing with your mother’s phone while she’s asleep?