Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   A lot of people like BBQ ribs, but I make it look like an episode of the Walking Dead.

   Reminder: BBC on television and BBC on the Internet are two different things.

   Site owner STILL Sucks the Big One !

   When you send a risky text and see (….) for ten minutes.

   China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.

   Never trust a girl named Natasha. Because, Natasha spelled backwards is “ah Satan.”

   A dog is able to learn up to 250 words and gestures and count up to 5, equivalent to a human age: 3. A cat doesn’t give a dam, and is sick of your crap, equivalent to a human age: 42.

   Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?

   Her: go deeper. Him: cereal is breakfast soup. Her: please don’t stop.

   If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

   Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws, laying asphalt, or driving semi trucks and not laughing, swimming and dancing?

   History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..” You mean like NOW?

   The dating pool nowadays could use a little chlorine.

   If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

   Need money to travel back to 1941 to give Joe Bidens dad a condom.

   With high gas prices don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers paying for their own gas or go get it yourself.