Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.

   DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.

   I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening tools, Its called beeches and hoes..

   What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? ANSWER: It took 95% of the Obummer bumper stickers off the road

   What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?-Mr.President.

   Either Chewbacca is in the next stall or someone needs to start adding green leafy vegetables to their diet.

   What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who's relaxing I could just kick back with and take a load off with when I'm feeling a little weary, Someone who comforting and oh wait, I think I'm describing my lazy boy recliner.

   Kyle Rittebhouse: "I'm going to Texas A & M" Texas A & M: "No, you're not!" lol

   If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

   You don’t have to drop to your knees every time you eat a hotdog.

   When the cross-eyed mechanic says, “no worries sir, I did the alignment myself.”

   When you show up at the orgy and it’s actually an intervention.

   I sprinkle profanity in every sentence like its parsley.

   Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.

   Biden: “Your hair smells good.” Chewbacca: wtf???

   It should be mandatory that every citizen 21 and older carry a firearm.

   We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer- Joe's Chief of Staff.

   If your hands don’t look like you just delivered a baby after eating ribs, you just didn't eat them right.

   I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

   There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.