Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was married for so long I almost forgot how to pick up fat chicks, then I remembered. It's a peice of cake!

   The phrase "I've got gas", used to be met with disgust. Nowadays, it's met with envy.

   If universal background checks and red flag laws create an insurmountable barrier to you owning a firearm, then you are the person we are worried about

   I went and inputted all my medical symptoms in on WEB MD. And it turns out I have Gary Busey .

   Her: Is your stomach flat? Him: Yeah, just the “L” is silent.

   Things I have in common with a raccoon: Dark circles around the eyes, eats junk, cute, a little chubby, up all night / sleeps all day, will fight you, possibly rabid.

   Facebook reaction emoji’s look a lot like a relationship from start to finish. Like, Love, Ha-Ha, Wow, Crying, Angry.

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   When everyone leaves the house and you’re finally alone. “Bravo six, going dark.”

   Your nudes won’t impress me…. Change my mind.

   Woman have so much evil in their blood that God drains it once a month.

   They had a distribution plan for crack pipes, but not for baby formula.

   When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.

   Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.

   Things were much better on the tweeting Trump Train than they are on the sinking Biden Boat.

   When I think of you I touch myself meaning I rub my temples because you give me a headache.

   For the immediate future I think we should show Coffee some respect and stop calling it a "Cup of Joe."

   My dong was in the Guinness Book of work Records. But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

   Sometimes I like to stick a band aid on the middle of my forehead and when somebody asks what happened I tell them I got shot.

   Do to budget cuts at Al Qaeda, They will be Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins...