Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

   Når verden er for stor Og stien er alt for bratt Kan du vende blikket mot Nord Selv I denne mørke natt

   My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

   I got some new underwear. Well they're new to me.

   There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

   Date a cat owner. They love something that doesn’t even like them back.

   An empty browser history says more than a full one.

   No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of booze out of them at the office meeting.

   Want to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.

   Just because it’s a bad idea does not mean it won’t be a good time.

   The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject.

   This is not just a silly grin on my face, it’s a highly educated one.

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

   Comedy died out a few years back because too many people were being offended by it.

   Crushed feelings emergency kit: Contains one tiny violin, one stick remover (also works for corn cobs), one box of tissues, one pacifier, cookies & milk, how to scroll past things you don’t like instruction tutorial, and a sense of humor.

   I'm adopting a healthier lifestyle, so today I parked and went inside to get donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

   Do deaf schizophrenics still hear voices in their heads?

   It's pretty bad when you have to have HIV testing at your parade. What type of pride is that?

   If they could only do as much for the veterans that they do the gays I would be impressed, but only then.

   Anyone else find it funny that all these "Why does the military only get one day" people only say it during june? Never during any of the other 11 months